Doctrine and Covenants 1

Come follow me. Such a beautiful invitation by a man bursting with love.

Happy new year!

Happy old year!

2021 brings a new area of study. I have a lot to learn about the book, I am not very familiar with it. I have been a member of my church for 33 years, but whatever I have learned from all the classes has not stuck with me. 

One of the things I want to try is getting a calendar and writing out the dates. For example: it was November 1 in 1831. So on November the first I would write out that it was the day they decided to create a book of the doctrines, covenants, and commandments given to start this church. To start this time of more knowledge and truth.

And each week has something assigned to study. Each week has it's own chapter in the book. Each chapter starts with words that haunt me. "Record your impressions"

I feel deeply blessed that I enjoy writing. Although there are other ways to record my impressions. Even as simple as talking to others about them. 

ME, I'm writing. Who will read what I write? Who knows. Is that even the point? The effort to explain myself is its own reward.

I still struggle with the way the questions are worded. 

I like the idea that God will compensate every man for his work. I try to do good things, for the sake of doing what is right. I try to help others along the way, as I walk my path.

I am ok with the idea that the Lord will measure me according to the measure that I gave to my fellow man. It's been a strong motivation for me to remain kind and forgiving.

I like the way the scriptures can be so vivid sometimes. "his sword is bathed in heaven" whatever that actually means. And how the it will bring the church out of obscurity and out of darkness. It creates a picture in my mind.

I also highly value humility. So I like the part where it says that inasmuch as they were humble they might be made strong, and blessed from on high, and receive knowledge from time to time. I want strength and blessings and to keep a sharp mind.

I also like how it says that peace shall be taken from the earth, and the devils shall have power over his own dominion. And also the Lord shall have power over his saints, and shall reign in their midst.

The bottom line is verse 39, the bottom line of chapter 1. And the truth abideth forever and ever.

I have two goals for the new year. To seek more truth, and to cling to it. To shorten the gap between knowing better and doing better. It is frustrating when there is a difference between what I know, and what I do anyway.

I pray that God will bless my efforts and lift my heart. I hope that whatever comes next, I am being more fully prepared for the future as it arrives.

Ether 1-5 Come Follow Me

Maybe I will try to read the Come Follow Me chapter first. Maybe I should write out every single question and then slog through the questions. It sometimes feels like my most despised exams, because I am not sure if I understand the question, so I wonder if I can pass the test.

The book of Ether is so interesting. The record of the Jaredites! They arrived centuries before the Nephites. How is it relevant to my life? It feels like a vague question and I don't know what kind of vague answer to give. It is relevant to me because I have gone to the Yucatan Peninsula and climbed around ancient building in long gone cities. Places where the lives of the people who constructed it all and lived there, well, they seem to whisper from the stones. Like notes of a song, but not in the right order. So I can't quite catch the tune. 

I can climb a big building and feel a rush of longing to know who built it and why, and how. What was the life of the designer, the construction man, and the occupant of these places? Were those archeological sites built by the Mayans? Or by the Jaredites?

My husband and I went to Chichen Itza, and Tulum, and Ek Balam, and Coba, and Becan. I also went to Uxmal, and Edzna, and at least one more small one by Progreso. I have thought long and hard about the three groups who came to the "promised land".

My prayers are working, I am finally getting more out of the Come Follow Me book. The chapter on Ether talks about some of my favorite things. Like how God encourages us to think and act for ourselves. And to imagine God saying: "What will ye that I should do?"

And how sometimes the only thing separating me from the blessings I seek are my own doubts. 

I have wondered a lot about having a more full confidence in God. In the book it asks a question I can answer easily, for once. It says to think about a time when I have experienced the Lord's compassion as I cried unto Him in prayer. Well that was today, when I had already started writing this post. My youngest son (22 years old) was driving from Reno in Nevada to Las Vegas. Fifty miles outside of Vegas he started to doze off and rolled his jeep. I heard about it the next morning, I live three hours from Vegas. My oldest son lives in Las Vegas, he got the call in the middle of the night. I only had minimal information, that Reece was in the hospital, and he could probably be released today. 

I have a list of friends and family on Facebook, and I sent each of them a message to pray with me. Naturally I was extremely worried. It was a few hours later that Reece called me to say he was just fine. The only thing he broke was his glasses. He has a very sore left leg and the seatbelt hurt his chest. Wow. The relief was indescribable. I felt like we were undeniably blessed. No one else was hurt in the accident, no other car involved. I had a unique opportunity to share my trouble with my friends, I call them my prayer warriors. It brought all of us closer together. And since I shared my concern, we all had our prayers answered. 

Reece still has to deal with insurance (did he have the right kind?) and get new glasses, and he can't come all the way to see me and his other two siblings. I'm sure he isn't really considering the blessings right now, but they are very evident to me.

Reece can't come here to visit tomorrow as planned, but I have the ability to drive to Las Vegas to see him. And I praise God for that. I haven't seen Reece in three years.

I also think it's important to note that I am always blessed, because I am always trying to be worthy of blessings. And because the one true blessing comes from having faith. It isn't about if Reece is okay. I wasn't extra blessed because he is alright. I was blessed because I had faith no matter what. Other people aren't less blessed than me because their car accident turned out worse. Or less loved by God. I try to create my own blessings through my trust in the divine. It is a false concept that somehow God loves us less when things are hard. And everything hard seems easier with real faith.

I also like that Come Follow Me points out my own personal ability to receive more revelation. I like the reference to crossing a great deep. Sometimes the greatest depth is my own emotions. I have less devastating emotions, a side effect of working on my testimony. I can clearly see that the Lord has been preparing me for my challenges.

There is another question that I like, but have no idea how to answer. What might God be asking me to do now to prepare for what He needs me to do in the future??

I am preparing to work in the arena of hospice. I have been reading books and thinking about more training. I guess I need to prepare to help others through dying and grief. I learned that self care is important for this kind of work. This means continually brining my emotional and spiritual issues into awareness for addressing. That really makes me think. Maybe I answered this question after all, how about that?

Here is the thing that I don't quite understand about Jared. He was highly favored of the Lord, and yet he kept asking his brother to talk to God. Why wasn't it all about his brother? Maybe Jared wrote the story and his brother was the prophet? It also makes me wonder, at the tower of Babel, if everyone else had a different fate simply because they did not ask God to help them. 

There is much that catches my heart as I read Ether this time. For example the Lord first directed the Jaredites from within a cloud. How would I feel if the leader, the one who talked with God, told me and my family to walk off into the wilderness? Crossing many waters in barges. In Ether 2 it says the land of promise is based on the premise of being preserved only for a righteous people. Serve God or in the fullness of His wrath He will sweep the land clean. Like what happened with the Nephites.

This makes me think about the constitution of the United States of America. This country was founded on Godly beliefs. The constitution cannot stand if the majority of the people who live here are not united in their basic faith. The constitution means something different if the citizens do not know (or respect) God. Google says the most Christian nations are the United States, Brazil, and Mexico. Followed by Nigeria. Didn't see that one coming.

The Jaredites were going to a land that could be free from bondage and captivity if the people would serve God. I suppose that also counts with parts of my life when I feel like I am in chains to debt, or the anger of another person, or my own sadness, and the list goes on. And the key to the locks is: serve God. Ok, duly noted. Today I got angry, and that anger welled up inside of me like a force of nature. I made myself sit in my car and breathe until I was ready to go back inside without biting someone's head off. These expressions are no good. Let me be accurate here. Everyone would have kept their head, but I would have been likely to make the situation much worse instead of getting through it to the calmer side. I think I am a bit like Spock, I feel so deeply that I try hard to work within logic to keep emotional power in check. Sometimes my emotions serve me, and sometimes they are my master. I am not interested in crossing that line. God is on this side of that line. So my mantra is: Let love win. Let God prevail.

Write my impressions. Well, I had no idea I had so many.

These people had enough faith to live in tents by the seashore for four years. They may not have needed to stay there that long, except their sin of no calling upon God. What is sin? When a person lacks progression? It is interesting that God tells them to build some more barges and the entire time they are thinking, how will we breathe? How will we steer? But they have to faith to build before they ask these questions. That's real faith. Then the question of sitting in the dark during the entire trip. Is it just me, or does it seem extraordinary that God takes the time to let the brother of Jared do some problem solving for himself? Eight vessels full of people. Did they know how long they would be sailing? did they have any kind of plan for being able to stick together in the waves? 

The really important question is: how can I learn to have faith like the brother of Jared? I mean, I'm not saying I'm so awesome that Jesus should show himself to me. However I love the power that comes with real faith. Plus, at the end Jesus says: and by the way, don't tell anyone. Write them down, but no one else is ready for me like you are. That would be the hardest part for me! Plus then the Lord showed this man all the inhabitants of the earth, even unto the ends of the earth. Did he even get to discuss this stuff with his wife?? How would a person be filled up with all of these things and have none of it spill out into his daily life? After that, did the brother never had another moment of anxiety in life? what would that be like. Because he stopped having faith. Because he knew.

And I am only about to read chapter 4!

Mormon 7-9 Come Follow Me

Mormon 7 has the beautiful part. The part about Jesus and how he gained the victory over the grave; and also in him is the sting of death swallowed up. Such a lovely thing to consider. Jesus brought to pass the redemption of the world. That's kind of a big deal, right? And the answer is to lay hold upon the word of God. This is the last of the words of Mormon, since in chapter 8 his son Moroni takes over and says the Lamanites slaughtered everyone, even his father and all of his kinsfolk.

Today is a good day to sit back and ponder these things. Snow is falling as the sun is shining, reminding of how strange this world can be. Coupled with the media finally announcing that Joe Biden won the election, it is a quiet and strange day for me. I voted, but I am a neutral observer of the whole thing. I prayed about who I voted for, and then I sat back and watched things unfold. I have prayed that I could remain calm while so many others around me were so emotionally invested. I have worked within uncertainty for so long, and I hope my trust in God will continue to supersede the drama of this country and it's leaders. In an election year I can relate to the secret combinations and works of darkness spoken of in Mormon 8. 

Mormon and Moroni did the best they could in a time and place that was even more dangerous than the one I am in. Reading these chapters reminds me of how far mankind can fall, but also the value of persevering in the face of evil. The importance of clinging to that which is good. The deep strength that comes from trusting in God when all else is failing around you. Moroni was so alone. But he was alone with faith, and that is how there is now a book to read for knowledge and inspiration. No matter how bad my life gets, I am not yet living in a land of one continual round of murder and bloodshed, with no end to the ward.

And no matter what is happening around me, I can still be the kind of woman who does all things with an eye single to the glory of God. The world can fail me, but God will not. People can be unreasonable but God has a purpose in everything. I am learning that it is good to question, but that is not the same as doubting. 

Moroni spells it out in chapter 8, the many things that can go wrong when people are not busy seeking what is right. When men stop looking to God and start praising only themselves.

There is so much in the last chapters of Mormon. I also want to proclaim a God of miracles. I want to be a faithful daughter of God, so I can receive a pouring of revelations and gifts and signs. 

Moroni talks of redemption from an endless sleep, from temporal death. But I also feel like I have been saved from sleep walking through life. From going through the motions that are dictated by the society and culture I live in. Being more alive in Christ, more open to love and joy. To all the Godly things like peace and hope and a clearer vision of life. I want to know the God in whom I should trust, this is why I read the scriptures carefully.

I am also quite interested in the signs that follow those who believe. A short list is given, and it fascinates me:

in my name they shall cast out devils (the name of Christ)

they shall speak with new tongues

they shall take up serpents

if they drink any deadly thing it shall not hurt them

they shall lay hands on the sick and they shall recover

I am certain the list is longer. And of course, this is about asking for the things that I need, and acting in faith. I sure hope I won't have the need to cast out any devils. This is really a thing! I hadn't thought much about that before. 

It is time for me to read the Come Follow Me chapter, with all of the questions for digging a bit deeper into these things.

I am almost jealous of Mormon and Moroni. They knew they were keeping records for the good of future generations who would benefit from it. I feel like less than Abinadi. His testimony only reached one man. I need to believe that I could at least benefit one soul with the testimony that I write here. Although it may only be my own soul that grows from the sharing.

Maybe one day this blog could be read by my grandchildren, I suppose that is my hope. Who else has incentive to listen to my words? I am but a simple woman known by few. I write to praise God. I write to find my own way on my path. That should be more than enough.

Mormon 1-6 "record your impressions"

Who am I? I have nothing to say. I'm no one important. 

I am just a woman with a dream. With a desire to write. With a hope of better understanding, of living with greater love. This is why I search the scriptures. 

Jesus says: come follow me.

Time to take that personally. Hey Suzette, come follow me, I'm your Savior.

When you feel all is lost, I will find you. When you lose all hope, I will show you the way. When you feel bad, I will hold you closer. When you feel alone, I will always be there. When you knock, I will open the doors. 

This year there is a book, Come Follow Me, about the Book of Mormon. Essentially Jesus says: come follow me on the chapter about Mormon 1 through 6.

Then Jesus says: I commissioned some questions for you. The answers will lead you to a deeper connection with me and my path.

I have struggled with these questions many times before. I need the help of Jesus to understand both the question and the answer. I speak very good English, it's my first language,  but the questions seem to trip me up. I am going to try harder to get the most out of this chapter, and I have to believe that God will bless my efforts.

The book keeps saying that I should record my impressions. So here I am.

It says, "As you read these chapters, ponder what you learn from Mormon's example. Record what you feel inspired to do."

So my goal is to humble myself and put in more effort than ever before.

How wonderful to start digging in with the Book of Mormon inside the Book of Mormon. Basically at this point there have been centuries of struggle between two groups of people

and then Jesus brings them all together for a few generations of peace. Which brought prosperity. The riches brought pride, that is where things went downhill. With a quickness.

Ammaron was keeping the records of the time. He hid them, because the people all became wicked. All the people. Very wicked. Then he goes to a ten year old boy and enlists his help. He can see the nature of this young boy, and tells him to wait fourteen years, then go write what he has observed. I think it would be great to be able to look at a young child and see that deeply about who they are.

It talks of the land of Zarahemla, the whole face of the land being covered with buildings and people. It talks of an army of 30,000 men, all in Mormon chapter 1. It makes me think of the five months I spent last year on the Yucatan peninsula. All the archeological sites that we walked. I have a friend over there who is studying the Mayan people, and she says it is a curiosity to her that they are Mayan cities and temples and yet the Mayan people don't live there. She says it is basically that instead of living in their houses they are living in their own back yards. Is this the history of the Mayans? Or is it the history of the Nephites, and that's why it was all abandoned? Everything I read about it says no one knows, they all muse as to why the sites were abandoned. 

Also, towards the end of the entire Book of Mormon there is the story of another group of people who came to this area. Three groups came. People from the tower of Babel. Lehi and his family. And a group with one of the sons of the king of Judah, king Zedekiah. Or, according to what I remember. Keep in mind, this is all the observances of little old me. 

Then these guys could only go four years without bloodshed. Wickedness prevailed. And I thought things were rough in my time.

The bad guys are the Gadianton robbers, and they started to infest places. Mormon was a good man, but was held back from preaching because the people were beyond hearing. Ouch.

Chapter 2 starts off rough too. Mormon is a leader of armies, and blood and carnage sweep the land. The jungles over there in Mexico could be a part of cursing the land, with how the trees and everything have hidden many cities and temples that are still being discovered in the thick overgrowth of different areas.

I have tried to find information on where the family of Lehi landed in the promised land. I am not trained at doing research, I just looked around as best I could. The one that  made the most sense to me was that the original Lehi family landed somewhere on the coast of Chiapas. And that when Nephi separated from his wicked brothers he went to what is now Guatemala. I will have to find where I stashed the information from my search last year.

Mormon was a big guy, and at the tender age of 16 years old he the head of an army. I think that shows me that I should not underestimate the abilities of younger people. 

Then there was a battle of 44,000 against 42,000 of Mormon's people. 

What a time to live in. After that battle: no man could keep that which was his own, for the thieves, and the robbers, and the murderers, and the magic art, and the witchcraft which was in the land. Thus there began to be a mourning and a lamentation in all the land. Mormon hoped that it was a sorrowing that would move the people to repentance, but it wasn't. They cursed God and wished to die, even as they struggled with their lives by the sword. 

The day of grace had passed them by. I pray that I don't let that slip away from me. I hope that my sadness will bring about a broken heart and contrite spirit. 

And I am a week behind. So I am reading all of this the day before the election in the United States, in 2020. Donald Trump has been leading our armies. Will he continue? Will he lose to Joe Biden?? Either way I feel like the end is coming for this country. Yet I have to remember that it is not yet like in chapter 2 where: thousands of them were hewn down in open rebellion against their God, and heaped up as dung upon the face of the land

Very vivid stuff. Mormon says a continual scene of wickedness and abominations has been before his eyes. His people were hunted and driven.

I try to imagine the size of the armies. 30,000 vs the 50,000 Lamanites. What a battle that must have been. Chapter 3 starts about 360 years after the death of Christ. About 360 years after the people had all be united through Christ.

All these battles over at least two decades and finally Mormon utterly refuses to be a commander. God told him, this people will be cut off from the face of the earth. Pretty severe for a loving God.

This is the beginning of the end for the Nephites. They had it all and then they lost it all.

The wicked stir up the hearts of the children of men unto bloodshed. The Nephites wanted revenge, and that was the cause of their downfall. They were no longer protecting their women and children and cities. 

Verse 11 says: and it is impossible for the tongue to describe, or for man to write a perfect description of the horrible scene of the blood and carnage which was among the people, on both sides, and they all delighted in the shedding of blood continually.

The Lamanites offered up the women and children of the Nephites as sacrifices to their idol gods. This all seems to tie in to the stories that float around about the Mayan people.

Here is one other interesting thing that I noted. The pictures at the different sites are no longer available to see for yourself. I am a decade or more too late for that, which was terrible to find out. But I have seen the pictures and it show mighty warrior men. Nothing like the current Mayans who are quite short in stature and squat looking.

So Mormon can see that there is an army of 50,000 men, but in chapter 4 verse 17 he notes there were so many Lamanites that he could not even number them. And from that time forth the Nephites began to be swept off by the Lamanites, "even as a dew before the sun". 

This is the point where Mormon gets all the plates that Ammaron had hidden up. Yet in chapter 5 he again leads in battles. He changed his mind. The Lamanites still destroyed town and villages and burned cities by fire. But Mormon says that the Lamanites will be scattered too, somewhere down the line. Does that include the Spanish invasion of the Mexico area? Does that include the way the natives were scattered here in North America?

I like how it says that if the people had repented they would have been clasped in the arms of Jesus. And verse 23 in chapter 5 that says: Know ye not that ye are in the hands of God? Which will probably be good to remember by tomorrow, when the election results start sinking in with people. 

I also need to see how things are bad throughout history, and I all I can do is carry on. The Nephites didn't get to carry on. The final battle is described as hundreds of thousands are slain with the sword. Mormon describes the final battle as being in a place called Cumorah, a land of many waters, rivers, and fountains.

Mormon was getting old. He took all of the sacred records and hid them. Except the few plates he gave to his son.

Mormon describes how every soul was filled with terror, within the Nephites. Again, it reminds me of the United States right now. We are a divided people and everyone who has voted still lives in fear that the other party will win. 

The annihilation of a people. By sword, by bow and arrow, by ax, and by all manner of weapons of war. Even Mormon fell, wounded. And that is where chapter 6 ends.

That is the record of my impressions. The book Come Follow Me has questions to ponder. Maybe I will write those out too, or maybe I will get caught up with this week (and do my pondering silently). 

Here is a picture of myself at one of several Mayan archeological sites.

Mormon wrote to all the ends of the earth. Me, I write for all of my children and grandchildren. I write my testimony for anyone who will rejoice in it with me.

I agree with Mormon. I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I believe in repenting (in changing) and preparing to stand by my words and actions.

I also love affirmations, and the book Come Follow Me is a great place to find new ones.

"I can live righteously despite the wickedness around me."

I also have an affirmation from this post: It's never too late to start. 

Questions:

1.  What do I learn that inspires me to live righteously in a wicked world? I read these chapters and see that God helps people overcome the odds. I would like to have that kind of divine intervention in the battles I face. Which means I have to keep working on building my faith, and my trust in God's ways. No room for thoughts of revenge. Only to protect truth and defend what needs defending.

2. Did I see the Hand of God in my life or the lives of my children? Absolutely. I have seen and done some fantastic things with God's help. Any moment of happiness and joy comes from God. It is a great blessing to be able to thank God for the amazing things that have been, are now, and will be in my life.

3. Other questions that plague me. What have I learned from these passages about the consequences of sin?? I can see how it led a people to extinction, because they did not ask God to help them. How does that apply to my life? I have seen people blessed by their faith, and people who did not endure to the end. I suppose I have been scared straight. I have had my fair share of pain and grief and anguish of darkness. I much prefer love and light and faith. I don't know how to answer the question: How have I felt Jesus Christ reaching out to me with open arms? I draw a blank. I feel like I no longer speak English. I know the words, I don't quite get the question. Maybe when have I felt Jesus reaching for me? And how did it feel? I have felt a kinship with Jesus when I am in the depths of humility and facing the wrath of others. I have often not felt good enough for the task in front of me, or the relationship I am trying to work within. At these times I turn to Jesus for the love and strength and inspiration that I need. I have learned that I am never alone. I have learned there is always a better way, and Jesus is the way. 

This Come Follow Me chapter has more questions, and they all just don't mesh with how I ponder things. I see so many things different than other people. For example: people say it is hard to go to church sometimes. I say it is much harder to not go to church. 

Or it asks the question: do the children in your family understand they can develop great spiritual qualities at a young age? Irrelevant. My youngest child is 22 years old already, and living his own life far from me. I don't get to teach the young children at church. So how do I relate to these questions? 

These are good questions, which have been considered a lot before being put in the book. I suppose my job is to pray that I can better relate to them somehow. Or perhaps add questions and answers of my own.

So far the best thing I have learned from reading Come Follow Me is that I should record my impressions while I read. The rest of it is ideas for personal study, but I have plenty of my own ideas. 

We each have to find our own way. I find the scriptures to be much more fun than the ideas for personal scripture study. It feels like wading through questions I am not good at translating. But I know that God will bless my efforts.

Introducing Me:

I am a daughter of God. In His image was I made. I love Him and He loves me. 

I'm hoping I can add some good thoughts here to my mother-in-law's thoughts and "stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things, and in all places" (Mosiah 18:9). 

More to come!

I have a testimony

My life has taken me many places. There is a pandemic going on as I start Day 1 of this blog. I am restricted on travel, but I am ready to explore the doctrine of Christ. 

The doctrine of Christ includes principles of faith in Christ, repentance, baptism, the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end. I had the idea to write this spritual blog and my incredible friend said she would love to be a co-creator with me. She also happens to be my son's wife. Her name is Marika Ward.

My name is Suzette Ward-Hamblin, and I am ready for inspiration. I am ready to share what I am learning. I am ready to light up my path as I walk it.

I have friends from many walks of life, different countries, and an extravagent range of personal beliefs.

I have a conglomeration of beliefs. I am a member of the The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I was reading something said by President Russell Ballard on April 4th. He invited people to "consider what offering you will present to the Lord in righteousness in the coming days. Be courageous - share it."

So here is my/our gospel blog. This is the world according to the experiences of Suzette and Marika, I advise you to seek official sources for more information on things that interest you. This is a casual blog that may be filled with many topics, the goal being to see how to tie everything into the gospel. What have I learned, and how have I applied it. This is my nutshell. Thank you to every single person who shares this journey with me.

Finding sunshine

Thoughts on Day 1. This blog was started while I'm in Mexico, so here's a picture of a sunny day in Mexico. This is not a structured blog on self help. This is sharing what has worked for me, in any random ways that inspiration hits me.

I'm here to remind people (as in, remind myself) that the sun always shines. Even on the darkest night the sun is shining somewhere on this beautiful planet. Even on the cloudiest day the sun is still where it should be, glowing as brightly as ever. My ability to see the sun does not affect it's constant power to shine.
There is no faith involved in the sun, I know for a fact that every day the sun will rise up on the horizon giving me one more day. 
I'm here to figure out who I am, by examining who I have been and who I want to be. We are all here finding our own way. I am here to learn to love myself. How the hell did I unlearn that? We are divine creatures, designed by love. Designed to love.
My whole life I was told to Be Something. Why do I have to be something when I already am something? Why do I have to be told that life is hard and it requires great work? Life is totally amazing. This world is supposed to be our playground, a great big beautiful lab to explore. Full of so many resources, and experiences, and opportunities to learn. I have been learning what I truly believe. From the inside, not the outside in. I didn't have to find myself, I just had to listen to myself.
I believe we were in a different state of energy, and we came here to have this incredibly mortal experience and see what it feels like to have limitations. Being here can be painful, but there is a point to the pain. The pain is a Great Teacher. I am less afraid of the pain.
I'm also learning that loving myself is the best kind of service to others. I'm walking away from enabling love. I can tell I'm evolving, I'm becoming more aware of so many things. Especially now that I'm not chasing after as much.
Some people put themselves in their own prison with their negative thinking. Guilt. Shame. Comparing/competing. Judging others. Judging themselves. I used to think it was my job to help free them. But it's not my job. My job is to do the best with what I have, where I am, and trust myself. The biggest thing that helped ease my grief of many levels from multiple sources was this: 
I am 100% responsible for me.
Part of the formidable power in that concept is that it also means that everyone else is 100% responsible for themselves. In general, of course, there are always exceptions to these kinds of statements. I've worked with people with severe disabilities. Or as I like to say, Altered Abilities. But no matter what a person's IQ is, or their intelligence quotient is, they are still ultimately responsible for what they do. They are accountable for what they can process, what they can learn.
Under this radical idea that I am in control of my life, it means I am exactly where I requested to be. For ultimate learning. It means that no one makes me angry, and no one makes me happy for that matter. I choose a perspective based on accepting anger, and accepting happiness (or I don't choose it!) I choose to be aware of pre-programming and go with re-programming to things that suit me. I also can't make anyone angry, I don't have that power. They hold the power to pick their reaction. They hold the power to try and make things better, or make things worse. 
I put this into practice yesterday, when I was at the dentist. I absolutely hate going to the dentist. Usually while I'm there my back cramps up from my tenseness and makes things even more difficult for me. I went to floss before my cleaning and I dropped the container of floss into the toilet. Yes, I was nervous. No, I did not floss after that. Then I was getting my teeth cleaned and my brain kept assuring me: it hurts, but it's not killing you. So I just kept repeating: it's not killing me, I'm only getting stronger. I'm getting stronger! I'm getting stronger!!
That kind of pain can make me feel like I'm in a small world of dark agony. However I've also learned that when I am in the darkness that is when I can truly experience my inner light. Being in the darkness and being familiar with my own luminosity is it's own reward. I didn't know my own brilliance until I was in the depths of murky shadowy obscurity and hurt.
The greatest gift I gave myself was Hope. It's a beautiful place to start the healing. My heart broke open many times, but it turns out that the light comes in through the cracks.
This is my first blog, dedicated to the lovely friend who gave me the idea of finding sunshine in the rain. It's about seeing Life beyond the clouds, beyond the horizon, beyond the storm. At night when the sun is gone, that is when I can finally see the beauty of the stars. No more being afraid of the dark.
I've read some amazing books over the last 2 years, here some of the ones that were game changers for me.

The Four Agreements
How to Happify Your Life by Laura LaBrie (anything by Laura LaBrie, I bought them all)
Change Me Prayers by Tosha Silver
The Book of Mormon